i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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