two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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