I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
