ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
