my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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