The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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