I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
