Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
