I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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