don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
