Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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