It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
