maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
