Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
