how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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