and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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