The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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