If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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