just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
