I wish I could punch you in the face.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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