i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
