im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
