Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
