You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
