I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
