Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize