I hate your face
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
