just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
