I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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