Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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