At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
