Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
