I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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