I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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