dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
