Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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