i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
