So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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