Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
