Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
