Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize