I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
