did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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