Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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