Cold hands, warm shart.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
