I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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