i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize