and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
