If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just invented taco cereal.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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