I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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