After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize