Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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