dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
