i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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