I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
