I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Couch. On fire.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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