The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize