Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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