It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
