Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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