He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
