Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
