he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
