If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
