Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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