I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
