Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
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