I just pynch a tree in the face
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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