I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
